Thursday, November 19, 2009

After all, if I was suffering from amnesia I'd be the first to know about it, wouldn't I?

Operation Get Out Of My Rut has been continuing apace. Yesterday evening I was due to meet C for a post-work coffee and gossip in Starbucks. Only, when we got to Starbucks it was closed. Irritatingly, their opening hours aren't displayed anywhere, which meant that I didn't get to flirt with the cute barista with the really blue eyes. Anyway, for convenience more than anything else, we repaired to The Sausage and I ended up spending my whole evening there. We had some quality one-on-one girl time, were joined by N and Nic and also Viv and Paul. It was excellent, and again it was just what I needed. It was suitably mood-lit in the Sausage and I had a bit of a headache when I got home, I think this was caused by having to squint to see Viv across the table in the dim light!

I have been having anxiety dreams much more frequently in the last few months. They always take the same form – someone I love berates me in the strongest terms, for all of the bad things about my personality. I'm not sure why my brain wants to do this to me. It's exhausting, though. I had another one last night, the only variation being that this time it was three of my friends who took the opportunity to follow me home, telling me my faults all the while. I like to think that I'm a pretty nice person and I certainly try to be a good friend, by my subconscious seems to think otherwise!

It might be because I have been giving my friendships and my relationship some more considered thought recently. It's one of the side-effects of feeling a bit low, my confidence in my ability to make and retain friends plummets, and it leaves me feeling unwilling and unable to spend time with those friends – such a vicious circle. I have been trying to pull myself out of this funk, and with some success, which was why last night in the pub was so welcome. By happy accident I ran into Mystery Creature and Second Hand Shopper, both of whose blogs I have been reading, and although I felt a bit flustered (and a bit bashful for just suddenly popping up like a mental – sorry ladies!) it really pleased me to meet both of them in the flesh. Something else that did me good about last night was the variety of conversations we were able to have. I'm very lucky in the friends I have – not only are they warm and loving and intelligent people, but they encourage the good in me to shine. I really felt it when I was talking to each one of the people I spent yesterday evening with, and it made me very happy.

I was very lucky to be able to have a good conversation with C and N. N is C's fiancé, and I am so pleased and happy that he has become more than just her other half to me, but a friend in his own right. This was emphasised to me last night by how comfortable I felt talking to him about emotional stuff. It's soppy, I know, but it feels good to have made such an excellent friend!

I talked to C and N about my friend Miranda. Miranda died nearly a year ago now, and our friendship and her death are things that I'm not always that comfortable with talking about (but I'm going to, because it's all hugging and learning round here today!) Miranda and I became friends in our early teens, in an impassioned pen-pal way. We wrote to one another constantly, and spent hours on the phone (to my parents' consternation – our phone bills were pretty big in those days) Miranda was very different to me, and she always challenged me, and she was the first friend I had who would tell me that I was talking crap! She lived in England, and we never met. It's stupid, and it's something that I will always regret because I have lived in England for the past 8 years, and we weren't all that far apart physically. Although the intensity of our communication diminished over the years we never lost contact, and the pain I felt when she died was shocking to me. And what was nearly as bad was the guilt I felt, and still feel, about the intensity of my grief. It felt fraudulent and attention-seeking to grieve over someone I had never met, and I wasn't comfortable with talking about it. Some time and distance has helped me to understand that our friendship was no less important because it wasn't conducted face to face, and that loss can't really be measured in those terms either. I miss Miranda, and I will always miss her, and I am trying hard to take something from what happened, and spend less time stressing about what I think my friends think about me, and enjoy the fact of their presence.

Hey, that all got a bit heavy. Time for a bit of a change of pace. It's Thursday, so here is my Hot and Not list.

I finished Jane and Prudence on my way to work this morning, and I loved the ending. I'm certainly going to make the effort to look for more Barbara Pym novels.

Spontaneous evenings out – as discussed above

New series of Gavin and Stacey starts tonight. I expected to dislike Gavin and Stacey and for ages I wrote it off as just another crappy BBC3 comedy. I'm not overly fond of either Gavin or Stacey, but I love all of the other characters, particularly Pam(-elaaaaaa)

£10 to spend at Wysteria Lane, I'm just trying to decide what pretty thing to buy!

I've figured out what to do with my hair and makeup for C and N's wedding. Just need to buy dress and shoes, and I'm hoping to do this in London at the start of December.

Anxiety dreams. Boke.

My right shoulder is very sore. I think it might be RSI, so I'm going to look into buying one of those ergonomic mouse things, or a tablet and pen.

This weather is no good for my wispy mousy hair.

Virgin Cross-Country train to and from work. It has been especially smelly and unpleasant this week. Ugh!