Thursday, May 06, 2010

When I'm thinking, I get thirsty.

A fairly short blog this evening, in the form of a list. I'm very tired and not really up to organising my thoughts!

1. I worked from home on Wednesday, which was good. I had a bit of a lie-in, and was woken by the postman who was bringing the shoes I bought on eBay. I was amazed that they finally arrived, I had rather given up on them.

Shoes No.25 - Irregular Choice Hermia wedges
Shoes number 26: Irregular Choice Hermia wedges
I was drawn to these by the style of the heel, which is the same as on the mermaid shoes. They're not so much a summer shoe, so I might not get much wear out of them in the next few months. However, I'm sure they'll see lots of wear because I am very much taken by the monochrome detail. They were a very good eBay bargain so I'm delighted that they did actually show up!

As the weather was beautiful yesterday morning I put on one of my new dresses:
Fever Artaban sundress and IC mermaid shoes 05/05/2010
Fever Artaban sundress - one of the samples I picked up last week

Unfortunately after about lunchtime it got too cold to wear this, so I got changed into something a bit warmer and more practical, for the crochet workshop in the evening.

2. The crochet workshop went amazingly well, I was delighted with it. Everyone took home a granny square and seemed to have got the hang of the technique. I was helped along by Sugar Plum's mum and by Alysa, and I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I expect there'll be a few granny square blankets popping up in Leamington in the next few months!

3. My sewing machine arrived! I haven't done anything more than unpack it because I'm just too tired this evening, but I plan to put in some time with it at the weekend. It came with an amazing array of threads and accessories as well, and various pairs of scissors. I am very impressed with the service I got from Sewing Machines Direct, they advised me very well and the machine came by free next day delivery. I'm sure it'll be a good while before I'll be posting about things I've made, but I'm looking forward to getting acquainted with it and teaching myself.

4. I was going to write a separate post about this but I haven't really got the energy. I've got a bad case of the mean reds and I don't really know what's causing it, or at least I can't pinpoint one reason. I've been feeling tired and teary and anxious for the past few days and it's horrible. I've been having anxiety dreams and clenching my jaw in my sleep, so I suppose that explains the tiredness. I've also reached about the end of my rope with the commuting. Luckily I won't have to do it for much longer, just a few more weeks really, but I've had enough now. I have lots of coping strategies, and they help, but I'm utterly fed up with spending so much of my time on the train!

I know I'll feel better shortly, but about now I'm just feeling a bit fed up with myself. Recently a friend repeated back to me a comment that had been made about me - an mutual acquaintance saw fit to pronounce upon my mental health and called me 'mad'. I'm intensely irritated to say that this has been on my mind ever since. Irritated because I know I shouldn't be giving houseroom to this kind of talk - this acquaintance is someone whose company I don't care for, so his opinion shouldn't mean anything to me. It has bothered me, though. It bothers me because 'mad' is such a horrible, pejorative term and it bothers me because, while I know he isn't right (and that he doesn't really know me, anyway) being 'mad' is something that makes me really worried.

Over the past few months I have been really up and down. I can put some of this down to the pressure I've been under at work, and the fact that I haven't been able to take a real break. I'm tired and stressed. I've been unhappy because a significant friendship has come to an end, and I'm sad because of the reasons for its end and the fact of its end. It's like grieving and how I feel about it isn't at all dissimilar to how I felt when Miranda died. My continuing sadness is something I worry about because it isn't a good way to feel, and because I have become unfeasible cautious and defensive with other people as a result. 'Mad' is a bit of a trigger word for me, because I can't help but think that is how I must seem.

I've written before about my anxiety about being misinterpreted and misunderstood, so I won't go over old ground, but I have spent so much of this year (and, you know, of my life) already feeling like this. When I think about it intellectually I can see ways to deal with feeling this way and ways of helping myself to feel better. It isn't always easy to put this into practice though, especially not when I feel low and just want to hide away.

Anyway, I think I've talked a bit too much about it, but for some reason I've been finding this week tough. Hopefully by the time I get around to writing my next blog I'll feel a bit chirpier and won't be feeling so sorry for myself.

5. To that end I'm going to make a wee list of the things I am grateful for, by way of finishing off.

- Nic. I'm immensely grateful for his support and love and wisdom, and for all of the little things he does to make every day easier like meeting me at the station and cooking my dinner.
- My friends, all of them.
- I have lots of good things to look forward to, including the end of commuting, holidays and seeing my family

There are lots more, but one thing that I'm grateful for is crowding those out - my dinner is ready!